wrong timing
wrong word wrong belief and believing the wrong and the worst and the belief Timing, Word, Belief perfect and good and what I need that is what I’ll believe
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Written during a time of depression:
Is there a point a pen or a note, a declaration can end? HA! the pencil breaks with a . it is the lack of it is a ghost it is the end of a sentence it is the well of a lonesome heart a poem written three years ago:
it's a little image it's a little lake that's called a sea but here, Jesus walked on water, calmed the storm, made fishers of men, recognized a centurion's faith, healed a paralytic, and spoke about His kingdom and here i am, a little person with a little life, looking at a picture that overlooks the sea and i think, “who do i have in heaven but You? and i desire nothing on earth but You,” and now, made alive, the treasure of my soul is You alone! thanks for reviving me—i am now Yours! heading closer to see You with every breath And he showed me more, a little thing, the size of a hazelnut, on the palm of my hand, round like a ball. I looked at it thoughtfully and wondered, “What is this?” And then the answer came, “It is all that is made.” I marveled that it continued to exist and did not suddenly disintegrate; it was so small. And again my mind supplied the answer, “It exists, both now and for ever, because God loves it.” In short, everything owes its existence to the love of God. God made it; God loves it; God sustains it.
- Julian of Norwich, Revelations of Divine Love “One thing, however, is sure: unless Christians fulfill their prophetic role, unless they become the advocates and defenders of the truly poor, witness to their misery, then, infallibly, violence will suddenly break out. In one way or other ‘their blood cries to heaven,’ and violence will seem the only way out. It will be too late to try to calm them and create harmony.” - French sociologist, Jacques Ellul
"Absence is to love what wind is to fire; it puts out the little, it kindles the great."
These five months have been incredible. . . a time lost in grace.
I began student teaching full of apprehension, doubt, and discouragement, and was gently led by my mentor teacher and seventy-two students. At first, my eyes were blinded to His goodness and focused on the temporal: the mileage on my beloved truck, time away from friends, my limitations and end of myself. And yet I was reminded of a simple man's truth spoken thousands of years ago, "Follow me." Not surprisingly, when I took His hand, I was undeniably blessed. God used my mentor teacher to hone my teacher's craft despite my unworthiness. Soon, my confidence grew and my passion for educating students reignited. I began to run and run and run towards perfection and light and truth in the joy of children. I was lost in it all. . . drowning and resurfacing in the beauty of the waves. God had prepared good works ahead of me at Anderson-Shiro. Not to mention God's good gifts to me. In a supernatural event, my desires lined up with His desires, and I got accepted to work for a company I had been passionate about for years. Then, a sweet friend pursued me for something more than I could have ever imagined. He taught me grace and love and truth found in knowing Christ deeply, and what it means to be wholeheartedly running the race alongside a friend I desperately needed. Even when my truck broke down twice, and patiently saying "no" to five other cars, God provided a beautiful new car for exponentially less than I expected. If I could summarize this year, it has been a kaleidoscopic light, my world aglow with a hope unimaginable. He has provided time and time again while I hadn't heard from Him in months. He's a wind, unseen but present, changing the course of the leaves and my life. I have been reading a book called Absolute Surrender, by Andrew Murray. I have grown more reading this book than I have since reading The Hiding Place. In it, Murray writes, "God does not ask you to perfectly surrender in your own strength or by the power of your will; God is willing to work it in you." It is God's will to work surrender in my feeble life! What freedom and relief. In the New Testament, we are taught that the altar sanctifies the gift. As I have laid down my gifts on his altar, it is Christ, my altar, that sanctifies. . . He has sanctified this semester, my relationships, my love and ache and expression. He is worthy of my continual sacrifice of praise. I wish I could play an instrument just to bring music to His ears. This morning, I drove across Rock Prairie and encountered a box turtle. He was massive and obvious and it would've been a shame to continue driving. I parked my jeep on the side of the road and walked out to him just as he retreated into his shell. I grabbed his slimy sides, coated in algae and mud and flecks of grass, and carried him to the other side. Unfortunately, he released his bowels all down my leg and sandal, but I helped him cross the road. And that is what I am. I am a turtle that simply needs help crossing. . . I am learning about my Maker and how he watches and restores me. I am taking time to turn my eyes and my heart away from this world, away from all the loving and generous faces surrounding me, away from the joy and greed and sorrow that follows me, and fixing my eyes on the face of Jesus. And today, I'll wait for my Birkenstocks to dry. "Do you know what hurts so very much? It's love. Love is the strongest force in the world, and when it is blocked that means pain. There are two things we can do when this happens. We can kill that love so that it stops hurting. But then of course part of us dies, too. Or we can ask God to open up another route for that love to travel." - Corrie Ten Boom
“Let me say for your encouragement that a promise from God is worth just as much as a fulfilment. A promise brings you into direct contact with God, so honor Him by trusting the promise and obeying Him.” - Andrew Murray
He is faithful and just! We can rest completely assured that He fulfills His promises. I am quick to speed, weaving in and out of obstacles of my own creation, just to see a longer road set before me. However, when I pull over, read the map, and obediently stay on course. . . Why, I am already at my destination—being closer to Christ. A challenge to fix our eyes. "Seeing much, suffering much, and studying much, are the three pillars of learning." - Benjamin Disraeli
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